Is it wrong to choose not to have children just because you don't want to?

• Y9

  Yuki 923d ago

  nobody asks 'but WHY' when you say you DO want kids. the asymmetry there tells you everything about whose choices society actually respects.

  187Reply
• M

  Morgan4d ago

  Three years of people at family dinners asking when my husband and I were having kids. Three years of polite deflection. Then I had a miscarriage. Then another. Then people STILL asked because they didn't know. The assumption that everyone who's childless just 'chose' it is its own kind of cruelty.

  184Reply
  • R9

    Reese 924d ago

    This is such an important point. The whole debate treats it as a pure binary choice, and for so many people it just... isn't. The intrusive questions are harmful no matter what side of that line you're on.

    97Reply
• Y

  Yuki4d ago

  My mother told me to my face she wished she'd never had children. I was 14. Took me twenty years in therapy to unpack that. Please, PLEASE, if you don't want kids, don't have them. The damage of being an unwanted child is real and it lasts.

  176Reply
  • T

    Theo4d ago

    That comment above is going to wreck me for the rest of the day. I'm so sorry.

    112Reply
• M

  Morgan2d ago

  I told my therapist I didn't want kids and she spent three sessions trying to find the 'root cause.' The root cause is that I don't want kids. I eventually changed therapists. This is so pervasive it's even in healthcare.

  167Reply
  • I

    Iris2d ago

    That's actually kind of malpractice-adjacent behavior from a therapist honestly. Your reproductive choices shouldn't be treated as a symptom to diagnose.

    88Reply
    • A

      Avery2d ago

      i mean... isn't it literally a therapist's job to explore where feelings come from? exploring a choice isn't the same as pathologizing it. sounds like maybe the therapist was clumsy about it but the instinct to understand isn't inherently wrong

      19Reply
      • R

        Riley2d ago

        There's a difference between a therapist helping YOU understand your own feelings if you're uncertain, and a therapist deciding YOUR STATED PREFERENCE must have a pathological origin. One is therapy. The other is projection with a clipboard.

        74Reply
• Y

  Yuki3d ago

  I'm a social worker. I will say without any hesitation: there are too many children in this world already whose parents weren't ready, didn't want them, or couldn't care for them. The 'selfish not to have kids' crowd should spend a week in my office.

  162Reply
• I

  Iris3d ago

  My aunt never had kids. Died last year at 82 surrounded by nieces, nephews, people she'd mentored, friends going back sixty years. The 'who will take care of you when you're old' argument always sounds like people confusing having children with having a care plan. They are not the same thing.

  162Reply
  • A

    Avery2d ago

    Also nursing homes are FULL of people whose children never come. Having a kid is not a retirement strategy. It's a person.

    171Reply
• AT

  Alex T.3d ago

  I became a mother at 19. Unplanned. Kept the baby because of pressure from everyone around me. My son is 27 now and I love him with everything I have. But I also spent ten years angry in a way I couldn't name and it came out sideways at him, at his dad, at myself. I would never say don't have kids. But I will absolutely say: do not let anyone else make that decision for you.

  156Reply
• J

  Jordan2d ago

  I've been a pediatric nurse for 22 years. I have held dying children while their parents sobbed. I have watched wanted, loved children suffer enormously. And you're telling me the person who looked at all that and said 'I'm not sure I can handle that level of vulnerability' is the selfish one? The calculus here is not what people think it is.

  156Reply
• J

  Jordan3d ago

  hot take: people who ask childless couples 'so when are you having kids?' are being incredibly invasive and they don't even realize it. you have literally no idea what that couple has been through. infertility, loss, health issues, finances. make it stop.

  148Reply
  • L

    Leo2d ago

    We lost two pregnancies before deciding to stop trying. When people ask when we're having kids now and I say we're not, I sometimes watch them open their mouth to say 'oh that's so selfish' and I think: you have no idea what that question just walked into.

    139Reply
• F

  Feli1d ago

  ngl as someone who desperately wants kids and is struggling with infertility, these threads are complicated for me to read. not saying anyone is wrong. just a strange experience to sit with.

  148Reply
  • S

    Sam1d ago

    Sending you genuine warmth. That's a really hard thing to carry and your feelings are completely valid. I hope things work out in whatever way brings you peace.

    93Reply
• DS

  Diego S.4d ago

  Nobody asks you to justify having kids. 'We just wanted them' is accepted without question. The asymmetry alone should tell you everything about whose freedom is actually being policed here.

  147Reply
• D

  Diego3d ago

  I had kids. I love them ferociously. AND I think people who don't want kids should absolutely not have them. These two positions are not in conflict. Why is this hard.

  143Reply
• Q

  Quinn1d ago

  I asked my mother once if she wanted children or if she just had them because it was expected. The pause before her answer told me everything. I will not be putting my own kids in the position of having to ask that question.

  142Reply
• R

  Ravi3d ago

  I just want to say as a dad of three: the 'childfree people are selfish' thing is embarrassing and I'm sorry on behalf of parents who say it. You are not selfish. You are making a considered decision about your own life. Please ignore us.

  134Reply
• F

  Feli2d ago

  Hot take: the people who get most upset about others choosing not to have kids are unconsciously upset about their OWN choice and need everyone else to validate it by making the same one.

  134Reply
  • L

    Leo2d ago

    this hot take gets posted literally every single time this topic comes up and it's just as unfair as the original criticism. some people genuinely think family and children are the deepest source of meaning and feel sad when others miss that. that's not projection, that's caring. not everyone who questions the choice is defensive about their own.

    43Reply
• ML

  Morgan L.1d ago

  I spent years thinking something was wrong with me because I felt no pull toward motherhood that everyone promised I'd feel. I'm 41 now. Never had children. Nothing was wrong with me. The promise was just wrong.

  131Reply
  • M_

    Morgan _x1d ago

    The biological clock narrative has done so much damage to so many women. The idea that you'll inevitably 'feel it' if you just wait long enough — and if you don't, something is broken in you — is genuinely harmful framing.

    109Reply
    • E

      Elena1d ago

      I'm a man and I get this too, to a lesser degree. The assumption that every man secretly wants to carry on his name or whatever. I don't. I never did. But at least people don't quiz me about it for twenty minutes at every dinner party, so I acknowledge the disparity.

      67Reply
• RB

  Reese B.4d ago

  I'm 29, completely certain I don't want children, and what gets me is that doctors still sometimes refuse sterilization because I 'might change my mind.' As if my own certainty about my own body is less valid than a stranger's guess about my future feelings.

  121Reply
  • D

    Diego3d ago

    To be fair, people DO sometimes change their minds on this. That's not an attack, it's just statistically documented.

    19Reply
    • EK

      Elena K.3d ago

      People also change their mind about getting married. Nobody's refusing to marry people 'in case they change their minds.' The selective application of this logic to childfree people is telling.

      138Reply
• J

  Jamie2d ago

  The real question nobody asks: why is having children considered a default that requires no justification, while not having them requires a thesis defense? Default thinking is lazy thinking.

  121Reply
• C

  Casey3d ago

  The question in the title is weird because it smuggles in the assumption that there needs to be a REASON. 'Just because you don't want to' — that IS the reason. Wanting or not wanting something is the entire foundation of personal autonomy. What deeper justification could possibly be required?

  118Reply
• R

  Riley1d ago

  You know what's never brought up in these conversations? The children who would have been poorly raised, neglected, or simply unloved if people who didn't want to be parents had become parents anyway. Every child who ISN'T born to someone who didn't want them is a child who doesn't suffer that specific harm. The 'selfish' framing literally inverts what's happening.

  115Reply
• D

  Diego2d ago

  My grandmother had 7 children because that was simply what you did. Not one of those children — my parent included — came out of that household without significant emotional damage. But sure, the 'selfish' ones are the people who opt out.

  112Reply
• CR

  Casey R.1d ago

  ok direct challenge to anyone reading this who thinks it IS wrong: name the person who is harmed. specifically. i'll wait. and 'society' and 'future grandchildren' are not people.

  107Reply
• K

  Kofi4d ago

  My aunt never had kids. She was the most present, loving, generous presence in my childhood. The idea that childless people are somehow cut off from nurturing or meaning is just... go meet some actual humans.

  103Reply
• EM

  Elena M.2d ago

  My dad still introduces me at family events as 'the one who hasn't given me grandchildren yet.' I'm 38. This is at every. single. gathering. And I'm supposed to be the one with the problem.

  103Reply
• R

  Reese4d ago

  Bringing a whole human into existence to satisfy other people's expectations would be the actual selfish act. 'I chose not to' is the most responsible answer there is.

  101Reply
• N

  Noah3d ago

  I notice this conversation is mostly about women even when it's framed as neutral. Men who don't want children almost never get interrogated the way women do. The word 'selfish' is almost exclusively deployed against women in my experience. Anyone else noticing this?

  99Reply
  • LR

    Leo R.3d ago

    Disagree somewhat — I've definitely seen men get the 'you'll change your mind' thing constantly and the pressure from parents about grandchildren. But yes, the 'selfish' framing does seem to fall harder on women. That's worth sitting with.

    43Reply
  • I

    Iris2d ago

    Absolutely true. I'm a 38yo man who has been childfree by choice my entire adult life. Not once has anyone called me selfish. My female friends who made the same choice have heard it dozens of times. Same choice, completely different social reception.

    121Reply
• C

  Casey2d ago

  I have four kids and I love them ferociously. I also fully support people choosing not to have them. These positions are not in conflict. More parents should be this secure.

  98Reply
• P

  Priya1d ago

  I chose not to have children and I don't frame it as brave or political or a statement. It's just... what I wanted. I wish we could get to a place where it's that unremarkable. Not celebrated, not condemned. Just a thing some people do.

  94Reply
• RS

  Reese S.3d ago

  My therapist told me something that genuinely reframed this whole debate for me: 'The question of whether to have children is one of the few truly irrevocable choices adults make. The intensity of other people's reactions tells you how much existential weight they've personally loaded onto their own answer.'

  89Reply
• N

  Noah4d ago

  I'm a dad of three and I think it's completely fine not to want kids. My own choice doesn't require everyone else to make it too. That's not how choices work.

  88Reply
• F9

  Feli 923d ago

  Something that genuinely puzzles me: we put enormous social pressure on people to have children, and then enormous social pressure on parents (especially mothers) to be perfect at it, and we provide basically no structural support for either. The whole system seems designed to maximize guilt at every stage.

  88Reply
  • R

    Ravi2d ago

    This is the comment. The whole reproductive discourse is a guilt delivery mechanism from start to finish. Don't have kids: selfish. Have them and struggle: failure. Have them and ask for help: weak. The only 'correct' answer is silent effortless perfection which doesn't exist.

    107Reply
• I_

  Iris _x2d ago

  The audacity of strangers thinking their opinion about whether I reproduce is relevant. My uterus, my call, end of discussion.

  87Reply
• L

  Liam3d ago

  Here's the thing nobody wants to examine: a lot of the 'you'll regret it' pressure comes from people who love their children but secretly also grieve the freedom they gave up. And rather than reconcile that grief, it's easier to insist everyone else must want what they have. Classic.

  85Reply
  • MT

    Maya T.3d ago

    I mean maybe? But also some people genuinely found parenthood transformative in a positive way and want to share that. Not every recommendation is projection.

    28Reply
    • TS

      Theo S.3d ago

      There's a difference between sharing your experience and telling someone they'll regret their choice. One is generous, the other is a threat.

      91Reply
• J

  Jordan2d ago

  The thing that annoys me most is that 'I just don't want to' is somehow treated as less valid than any elaborate reason. Why should I need a reason? My reasons are mine. 'I don't want to' is complete.

  83Reply
• JS

  Jamie S.2d ago

  Can someone explain to me how refusing to create a new life is selfish? Selfishness by definition means taking something from someone else. No one is being deprived here. The word doesn't even grammatically apply.

  78Reply
  • A

    Avery2d ago

    okay but there IS an argument that societies depend on population replacement and if everyone made this choice civilization collapses. im not saying individuals are obligated to have kids but the 'it affects literally nobody' argument is not quite right at scale

    29Reply
    • FT

      Feli T.2d ago

      The 'society needs babies' argument is the weakest one in this whole debate because A) not everyone is making this choice, B) we have immigration, and C) it basically means individual humans owe their bodies to the state. That's a political position with a very dark history, let's be clear about that.

      144Reply
• C

  Casey3d ago

  There's something almost brave about knowing yourself well enough to say 'this enormous thing that society assumes you'll want — I actually don't want it.' Most people never examine their defaults that clearly.

  76Reply
  • H

    Hana3d ago

    or it's just a preference, not bravery. not everything needs to be elevated into a heroic act of self-knowledge lol

    33Reply
    • ER

      Elena R.3d ago

      Fair, but context matters. A preference that goes against strong social pressure does require a certain willingness to hold your ground. That's at least a little different from preferring vanilla to chocolate.

      47Reply
• M

  Morgan2d ago

  spent most of my 30s quietly assuming I'd eventually want kids and just... didn't. not a crisis, not a tragedy. some paths just aren't yours. there's something almost peaceful about actually accepting that instead of spending your whole life waiting to become a different person.

  76Reply
• NK

  Nina K.3d ago

  Genuinely cannot believe in 2024 we're still asking people to defend not participating in a biological process. Do we interrogate people for not running marathons? Not going to church? Not eating meat? The expectation that you must reproduce or explain yourself is wild when you actually look at it straight.

  74Reply
• N2

  Noah 213d ago

  what gets me is how this only seems to apply to women? my brother said he didnt want kids at 25 and everyone just nodded. my sister said the same thing and relatives treated it like a crisis intervention

  72Reply
  • L

    Liam3d ago

    Been saying this for years. The 'selfish' label lands almost exclusively on women. For men it's a shrug. That asymmetry isn't about children at all — it's about what we think women's bodies are FOR.

    109Reply
• FM

  Feli M.4d ago

  Hot take: the people most loudly calling it selfish are the ones who had kids for social approval and feel vaguely cheated that not everyone signed up for the same deal.

  67Reply
• A

  Alex2d ago

  I find the framing of this question a little off. 'Just because you don't want to' — we don't apply that skepticism to any other major life decision. You want to become a monk? Travel forever? Dedicate your life to your art? Fine, admirable even. But not wanting children still gets the 'just'? The word is doing a lot of heavy lifting.

  65Reply
• Z2

  Zara 213d ago

  I had kids because I genuinely wanted them and I love being a parent. But I would never in a million years look at someone who made the opposite choice and think they were wrong. Different lives. Different valid paths. End of.

  64Reply
• N

  Nina3d ago

  okay but counter-argument nobody here wants to touch: what happens to aging populations, pension systems, care ratios when a significant chunk of the educated professional class opts out? this isn't about individual morality, it's a real structural question that gets dismissed whenever anyone raises it because it's socially awkward to say.

  61Reply
  • IK

    Iris K.3d ago

    The structural argument would land better if the same people making it were also advocating for better maternity leave, affordable childcare, and support for existing struggling families. They're not. They just want to guilt the childfree.

    112Reply
• J

  Jordan4d ago

  nah. nope. hard no. my body, my life, zero explanation owed to anyone ever

  58Reply
  • P

    Priya4d ago

    I respect the bodily autonomy argument completely, but I do think 'no explanation owed' sometimes shuts down a conversation that could actually be interesting and important. Like — WHY don't you want kids? Those reasons might reveal something real about what modern life has become.

    41Reply
• K

  Kofi1d ago

  This question is framed with 'just because you don't want to' and that tiny word 'just' is doing so much work to make the preference sound thin and insufficient. Change it to 'because you don't want to' and suddenly the sentence barely even sounds like a question anymore. Language is manipulation sometimes.

  58Reply
• F2

  Feli 212d ago

  I'm a philosopher (no really, it's my job) and the ethics here are actually pretty straightforward: no future person is harmed by not being brought into existence. The non-identity problem is genuinely complex in some cases but this isn't one of them. Choosing not to have children is not wrong in any coherent moral framework I'm aware of. The selfish framing fails at the most basic level of who the supposed victim is.

  54Reply
  • OL

    Omar L.2d ago

    If no future person is harmed then by the same logic no future person is benefited either, so your philosophical case can't really be used to say childfree is BETTER either. Which is kind of the point — it's just neutral. Neither noble nor selfish.

    39Reply
• Q

  Quinn4d ago

  The real question nobody says out loud is whether a life without children can be as *meaningful* as one with them. And I actually think that's a fair thing to wrestle with — not because the answer is no, but because meaning isn't guaranteed either way and we should be honest about that.

  52Reply
  • T

    Theo4d ago

    Meaning comes from what you DO and who you ARE, not from your reproductive choices. Plenty of parents live completely hollow lives. Plenty of childfree people live extraordinarily rich ones. The correlation is basically zero.

    79Reply
• L

  Liam2d ago

  Wrong? No. But can we be honest that 'I just don't want to' covers an enormous range — people with deep considered reasons, people running from trauma they haven't processed, people who genuinely love their lives, people who are afraid and calling it preference. The phrase doesn't tell you which is which. That's not judgment, it's just true.

  52Reply
• E

  Elena2d ago

  Wrong? No. Worth examining? Always. I don't mean that as criticism — I mean it the same way I'd say any enormous life decision deserves genuine reflection rather than just cultural default in either direction. The childfree person who arrived there thoughtfully and the one who just drifted there without thinking are making the same external choice but having very different internal experiences.

  52Reply
  • Q

    Quinn1d ago

    The comment above is reasonable on the surface but I'd push back gently: why does the childfree choice get the 'have you examined this fully' treatment and the parent choice almost never does? People have children by accident, by pressure, by inertia, all the time. The reflectiveness bar is applied extremely unevenly.

    89Reply
    • Q

      Quinn1d ago

      Genuinely fair point and I accept it. I think I do apply the scrutiny unevenly and that's worth sitting with.

      61Reply
      • Q

        Quinn1d ago

        Wait someone on the internet admitted they might be wrong and updated their view? Screenshot this, it's historic.

        178Reply
• R

  Riley2d ago

  There is something a little tragic about the fact that we live in a world where people feel they need the validation of an internet debate forum to confirm that their personal decision about their own body and life is acceptable. What does that tell us.

  47Reply
  • NT

    Nina T.2d ago

    it tells us the social pressure is real enough that people still need to hear 'you're not wrong' out loud. which is actually a pretty good argument that this conversation is worth having.

    91Reply
• F2

  Feli 213d ago

  as someone who works in climate science I genuinely wrestle with this. the carbon footprint argument for not having kids is real and I'm not being glib. I chose not to partly for that reason. I'm not telling anyone else what to do. but let's not pretend the environmental dimension doesn't exist.

  44Reply
  • Q

    Quinn3d ago

    The carbon footprint argument for not having children is one of the most depressing things environmental discourse has produced. We're seriously telling people not to bring humans into the world instead of telling corporations to stop poisoning it? Priorities.

    103Reply
    • A

      Alex3d ago

      both things can be true though? individual choices and systemic change aren't mutually exclusive. i'm exhausted by this either/or framing.

      31Reply
• PB

  Priya B.3d ago

  Wrong is the wrong word entirely. But 'it just makes a room go quiet' — yeah, because it surfaces a lot of unexamined anxiety people have about their own choices. The discomfort isn't moral judgment. It's recognition.

  43Reply
• R

  Riley3d ago

  I think the honest version of the 'selfish' critique isn't about the unborn child, it's about aging parents and society's care infrastructure. Who will look after you? Who will contribute taxes? That's a real societal concern, even if it's not a MORAL failing of the individual.

  37Reply
  • D

    Diego3d ago

    Childfree people tend to pay more into the system than they take out, at least in net terms over a lifetime. They fund other people's children's schools, healthcare, etc. If anything the math runs in the other direction.

    55Reply
  • RB

    Reese B.3d ago

    The 'who will take care of you' argument assumes your children WILL care for you, which... lol. Have you met families?

    148Reply
• CM

  Casey M.3d ago

  I'm going to be the unpopular voice: I think some childfree people ARE making a mistake, not morally, but personally, in the same way some people make mistakes about any major life decision. Not all, obviously. But acting like doubt or regret is literally impossible for anyone is also a bit precious.

  37Reply
  • N

    Nina3d ago

    Sure, and some parents regret having kids. Studies consistently show childfree adults report equal or higher life satisfaction. The 'you might regret it' risk runs in both directions, but society only ever raises it for one choice.

    93Reply
    • LR

      Leo R.2d ago

      the studies showing childfree people are happier also need to account for the fact that people who didn't want kids and didn't have them are... people who got what they wanted. that's a weird baseline to compare against parents who may or may not have planned their family. the comparison is messier than either side admits.

      28Reply
• Y

  Yuki1d ago

  Unpopular opinion incoming: I think some people who are childfree DO make it a bit of an identity, almost like they need the world to validate the choice constantly. Which is understandable given the pressure — but it can tip into its own kind of exhausting.

  37Reply
  • A

    Alex1d ago

    And some parents make parenthood their entire personality and judge everyone who doesn't join the club. Both things happen. One gets way more social permission than the other though.

    82Reply
• FM

  Feli M.4d ago

  i mean at some level civilization does depend on people having children so like... is it really ZERO cost to society? genuinely asking not trying to be rude

  34Reply
  • R9

    Riley 924d ago

    Civilization depends on children being raised WELL. Not just produced in bulk by people who weren't ready. Those aren't the same thing.

    89Reply
  • MT

    Marco T.4d ago

    I actually think we're allowed to value certain things for society broadly, like continuity, community, generational bonds. But the correct response to that isn't shame — it's building a world where people actually WANT to raise children. That means affordable housing, parental leave, childcare. If governments wanted more babies they'd fund those things instead of moralize.

    93Reply
• T

  Taylor1d ago

  Morally wrong? Obviously not. But can we acknowledge that the decision has real social consequences — for aging care systems, for communities that need young people — without that being interpreted as an attack on individual freedom? Scale matters. We can hold both.

  31Reply
  • PR

    Priya R.1d ago

    We absolutely can hold both. But 'society needs more people' has never in human history led to a good outcome when applied as moral pressure on individuals. History has many words for that policy. None of them are good.

    76Reply
• DS

  Drew S.4d ago

  okay but also can we acknowledge the climate angle? some people genuinely factor in the carbon footprint of a human life and decide not to contribute that. that's not selfishness, thats arguably the opposite

  29Reply
  • C_

    Casey _x4d ago

    The carbon footprint argument is the weakest one in this debate, honestly. You're essentially saying a human life has negative value. That's a grim place to end up philosophically.

    44Reply
    • H

      Hana3d ago

      It's not saying a human life has negative value, it's accounting for real measurable impact. You can believe life is precious AND that adding more lives in a resource-constrained world requires thought. Those aren't contradictory.

      61Reply
• S

  Sam3d ago

  Nope. Hard disagree that it 'makes rooms go quiet.' My office, my friend group, nobody cares. Maybe this is a generational thing? Or geographic? The hand-wringing discourse online feels way more intense than real life.

  22Reply
  • M

    Morgan3d ago

    It's absolutely geographic and also generational. Try being 35 and childfree in a small Southern town vs. being 35 and childfree in Seattle or Amsterdam. Same choice, completely different social experience. Context matters enormously here.

    69Reply
  • NL

    Nina L.3d ago

    You must live somewhere very different from where I grew up. At family dinners where I'm from 'no kids' gets you looks like you said something in a foreign language. It's definitely not everywhere but it's not nowhere either.

    57Reply
• T

  Taylor3d ago

  Selfish. There, I said it. Civilization requires continuation. Every generation that exists only because previous generations sacrificed for it and then just... opts out... yes I have opinions about this.

  18Reply
  • J

    Jamie3d ago

    "Civilization requires continuation" so go have kids then? Nobody is stopping you. Why does MY decision break civilization but not yours to have exactly the number you wanted?

    97Reply
  • O

    Omar3d ago

    also the idea that choosing not to have a child is somehow a debt to past generations is honestly one of the stranger logical constructions I've encountered. my great-grandmother didn't suffer so that I would be obligated to reproduce. she suffered so her descendants could have better lives. which might include the freedom to choose.

    74Reply
• E

  Elena4d ago

  Honest question for the 'it's selfish' crowd: selfish toward WHO? You can't wrong a person who doesn't and won't exist. The logic has no victim.

  16Reply
• YB

  Yuki B.4d ago

  Childfree at 45 and the relentless 'you'll regret it' from people drowning in their own regret is something else. I'm fine. I'm more than fine. Stop projecting.

  9Reply
• N

  Noah4d ago

  Calling it 'selfish' is wild when the alternative is having kids you don't want and resenting them for life. Ask the children of reluctant parents which they'd have preferred.

  6Reply

More debates people can't stop arguing about