Dating3d ago · 108 comments
Is judging someone by their height as shallow as judging by their weight?
One's mocked as superficial, the other's openly listed on dating profiles. Same shallow standard, or somehow different? Be consistent.
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Add your comment- Omar1d ago
I went on a date last year with a man who was genuinely one of the most magnetic, funny, kind people I've met. He was 5'6. I almost didn't swipe right because of a number I'd had in my head since I was a teenager. We dated for eight months. I think about that a lot when I hear people say preferences are just preferences and shouldn't be examined.
- Yuki 921d ago
This is a lovely story but also kind of proves the 'preferences aren't fixed' point better than any argument in this thread. You had the preference, you overrode it, you had a great experience. The preference wasn't as hardwired as you thought. That's the whole thing.
- Alex1d ago
counterpoint: she almost didn't swipe right. how many people with that same internalized number just didn't? we never get to count the connections that never happened because of arbitrary filters
- Kofi R.2d ago
I spent years lying about my height on apps (5'7, said 5'10) and the matches I got treated me completely differently in person once they saw me. Not rudely, just... the vibe shifted. Some preferences are real and some are just social programming and honestly I still can't tell which mine are.
- Jordan2d ago
The fact that you felt you HAD to lie about it says everything. We've created a culture where men are literally pre-rejected before they open their mouth because of centimetres. That's not 'just preferences,' that's a system.
- Riley1d ago
5'2" woman here who has never once been told her height disqualifies her from romance. My 5'4" male cousin has been told to his face he 'doesn't count' as a man to date. I cannot think of a more direct illustration that this has nothing to do with height and everything to do with gender expectations.
- Liam R.1d ago
This. The height debate is almost entirely about men. Which means it's really a debate about masculinity norms, not about physical preferences in the abstract. Pretending it's gender-neutral when the data is overwhelmingly gendered is intellectual dishonesty.
- Ravi1d ago
ok but women are also judged on height in plenty of cultures and contexts, being 'too tall' as a woman is absolutely a thing that affects dating outcomes. let's not flatten the whole conversation into one gender dynamic even if that dynamic IS the loudest part of it
- Diego 212d ago
As someone who lost 60 pounds I can tell you the difference in how people treat me is HUMILIATING — not because of how I'm treated now, but because of how I was treated before. Same brain, same humor, same heart. Different packaging. People are awful.
- Diego2d ago
This is a real and painful truth. I'm sorry. The cruelty isn't in having preferences, it's in how openly contemptuous people are about it. You'd never put 'no fatties' in a bio but you can write 'must be fit' and everyone nods along.
- Taylor 212d ago
Height is structural, weight is (sometimes) behavioral. That's the distinction people are dancing around. You can change your diet. You cannot change your femur length. These are not equivalent variables.
- Casey T.2d ago
The 'you can change weight' argument is doing a LOT of heavy lifting (pun absolutely intended) while ignoring that metabolism, medication, chronic illness, poverty, and a hundred other factors make weight far less 'behavioral' than you want it to be. Try again.
- Ravi M.1d ago
I'm a 6'1" woman. You want to talk about height-based rejection? I've had men tell me directly that I 'make them feel less like a man.' I've had women tell me I'm 'intimidating.' My height is a constant social negotiation I never signed up for. So yes I have enormous sympathy for short men but this is not exclusively a short man's issue.
- Diego S.1d ago
Nope. Hard disagree. You being tall and occasionally intimidating is not the same as being systematically filtered out of entire dating pools before someone even meets you.
- Jamie1d ago
Both are real experiences. The comment above you isn't claiming equivalence, just noting that tall women also navigate this. Why does acknowledging one experience have to minimize another? There's enough empathy to go around.
- Ravi2d ago
I'm going to say what nobody wants to hear: a lot of the 'it's just a preference' crowd would lose their minds if men openly posted 'no women over 140lbs' the way women post '6ft minimum.' The double standard is specifically gendered and that's worth being honest about.
- Liam S.2d ago
This is the actual crux. Perfectly stated. Everyone's out here pretending it's a neutral philosophical debate when there's a very clear gendered asymmetry in who gets to have 'acceptable' body preferences.
- Priya2d ago
Good for you but some people genuinely don't feel physical attraction without certain things being present and they're not evil for it. Not everyone is you.
- Ravi3d ago
Both are shallow. Full stop. The mental gymnastics people do to justify height requirements while condemning weight preferences is genuinely impressive in the worst way.
- Priya K.3d ago
This framing of 'did you choose it' as the moral litmus test is philosophically weak. People don't choose their personalities either. Should we never prefer kind partners over unkind ones because they were 'born that way'?
- Elena2d ago
Personality isn't a physical trait you're shaming someone for, though. That comparison doesn't land.
- Yuki2d ago
I spent years dieting obsessively because I thought being thin would finally make me dateable. Lost 40 pounds. Still got rejected. Still felt invisible. The idea that bodies are just preferences-machines that can be optimized for approval is one of the most damaging things we sell to young people.
- Jordan1d ago
The double standard is baked right into the language. 'Heightist' sounds made up and people laugh. 'Fat-shamer' is a serious accusation. Same behavior, wildly different social consequences. That asymmetry alone should make us pause.
- Reese1d ago
I run a dating coaching practice. What I observe: people who openly list height requirements rarely end up happier in relationships than those who don't. People who openly state they won't date above a certain weight rarely end up happier either. The filter doesn't produce better outcomes, it just produces the comfort of feeling like you have control. That's the real function it's serving.
- Theo R.1d ago
Do you have any actual data on this or is this vibes-based coaching? Not being dismissive, genuinely asking because 'I've observed' from a coaching practice is not the same as tracked longitudinal outcomes.
- Feli1d ago
This gotcha energy in comment sections is so exhausting. Someone sharing professional observations isn't required to provide peer-reviewed studies. Take it as anecdote, engage with the idea, or move on.
- Maya1d ago
Actually asking for evidence before accepting a claim isn't 'gotcha energy,' it's just basic epistemic hygiene. Especially from someone claiming professional authority. The bar for 'I've noticed in my practice' is pretty low.
- Liam2d ago
Hot take: if you put a hard number in your bio you've already told me everything I need to know about you as a partner. Not because height matters but because you've reduced humans to a spec sheet before they've said a word.
- Diego B.2d ago
By this logic listing ANY physical preference is a red flag, and then we've arrived at the point where preferences themselves are forbidden. Seems like a bad destination.
- Riley2d ago
There's a difference between 'I tend to be attracted to taller people' and '6ft MINIMUM, non-negotiable.' One is a human being talking about attraction. The other is a job posting.
- Taylor K.2d ago
My grandfather was 5'4". Married 52 years. Built a house with his hands. Raised three kids. The man never spent a single day of his life worrying about whether some stranger on an app would swipe right on him, and somehow he turned out fine. Maybe the apps are the problem.
- Diego2d ago
Your grandfather also lived in a time when your dating pool was geographically limited to people who already knew him as a person. Dating apps specifically create conditions where you're being evaluated as a product before anyone talks to you. Context matters enormously.
- Feli2d ago
same energy as 'my grandad smoked and lived to 95' lmao. survivorship bias is a thing
- Jordan2d ago
The funniest part of this whole debate is that the people most committed to defending their preferences as unchallengeable and sacred are usually the same ones who tell other people to 'have higher standards.' Make it make sense.
- Maya R.1d ago
Here's my actual lived take: I have a chronic condition that causes weight gain. I've been told I need to 'work on myself' by men who've never asked why. I've had friends with short stature told they need to 'own it' more confidently as if confidence changes bone density. Both are cruelties dressed as advice.
- Jamie _x1d ago
The 'own it' advice really is something. Like yes, radical self-confidence is great. But we're also allowed to acknowledge that the social environment doing the judging is what needs to change, not just the individual's internal posture.
- Taylor1d ago
The evolutionary psychology crowd is about to flood this comment section with 'women are hardwired to seek tall mates for protection' and I just want to preemptively note that we also used to be 'hardwired' to not want interracial relationships and somehow we updated that. Biology as destiny is lazy thinking.
- Hana B.1d ago
Comparing racial preferences to height preferences is a genuinely bad-faith move. One has a history of systemic oppression attached to it. One does not. These are not the same category of thing.
- Elena1d ago
Nobody said they were the same category. The point was about the 'hardwired therefore unchallengeable' logic, not the moral equivalence of the preferences themselves. Try reading the argument before refuting it.
- Drew2d ago
genuinely curious: do the people defending height preferences also defend weight preferences with the same energy? asking for a friend who needs to know if yall are consistent or just self-serving
- Omar R.2d ago
I do actually. I'll freely admit I have physical types and they include both height and weight preferences and I think anyone who holds one standard for one and not the other is being dishonest. There. Consistent.
- Iris1d ago
Respectfully, reading this thread has convinced me that people who are very invested in defending their specific preferences as totally rational and beyond critique are almost always the ones with the most to examine. The defensiveness is the tell.
- Marco S.1d ago
Or they're just tired of being told their inner life is a moral failing that needs to be interrogated. That's also a valid response to being exhausted.
- Priya B.1d ago
The original question asks if they're 'as shallow as each other' but both being shallow doesn't mean both cause equal harm. Height discrimination in dating hurts feelings. Weight discrimination in dating often triggers or worsens eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and suicidal ideation. Same category, very different magnitudes of real-world damage.
- Morgan 211d ago
The harm comparison is fair but I'd push back on the framing a bit: are we saying the thing that causes more harm is 'more wrong,' or that both are wrong and one has more serious downstream consequences? Those lead to different conclusions. If it's the latter, both still need addressing, just with different urgency.
- Taylor 212d ago
I'm a tall woman. 6'1". You want to talk about height discrimination? Try being a woman who makes half the men in a room feel emasculated before she opens her mouth. This isn't only a short-man problem. Height polices everyone.
- Jordan M.2d ago
Thank you for saying this. I'm 5'10" and the number of men who have told me i'm 'intimidating' or asked me to wear flats... like sorry my skeleton offends you
- Alex2d ago
You know what I think is interesting? Nobody ever asks WHY they have these preferences. Like, have you genuinely examined it? Or did you absorb it from movies, magazines, and social media and just call it 'natural'?
- Omar1d ago
Hot take that I'll stand behind: listing either a height requirement OR a weight requirement in a dating profile is a compatibility filter, not a moral crime. But doing it while simultaneously claiming you're not shallow is where it gets dishonest. Own the shallowness or don't have it. Don't want both.
- Avery R.1d ago
This is genuinely the most reasonable thing in this entire thread. The cognitive dissonance of 'I have totally legitimate biological preferences' AND 'I'm a deeply non-judgmental person' is where the actual problem lives.
- Jordan2d ago
The real question isn't whether both are shallow. It's why we've developed completely different social permission structures around them. That's sociology, not philosophy. And the answer is almost certainly gender politics.
- Sam L.2d ago
Everything gets reduced to gender politics now and it honestly makes it impossible to have a normal conversation about anything
- Iris K.1d ago
Or... gender actually is a central organizing feature of human social life and ignoring it is what makes conversations go in circles? Just a thought.
- Yuki L.1d ago
Can we acknowledge that the pressure on short men to 'compensate' with money, muscles, humor, and status is itself a form of body-based discrimination? We've just decided that men working twice as hard to be considered baseline attractive is a personality development opportunity rather than an unfair system.
- Avery M.1d ago
This is real and I don't see enough people naming it. The 'short kings' meme feels supportive but actually just codifies that short men need a special redemption arc to be dateable. Tall men don't need a redemption arc. They just get to be attractive.
- Hana L.1d ago
Tall men absolutely face other pressures (emotional stoicism expectations, being the first to handle physical threats, being expected to earn more). Every body type exists within a set of social expectations that are exhausting. Short men have one of the more visible ones, agreed, but the grass isn't uniformly greener.
- Sam2d ago
The thing that gets me is the certainty. People will say 'I KNOW I could never be attracted to someone under 6ft' when they've probably never given such a person a real chance. You don't know what you're closing the door on.
- Reese S.1d ago
dated a guy who was 5'6" specifically to challenge my own assumptions. he was funny and kind and we had zero chemistry. so. sometimes the assumption is actually just... accurate for you specifically.
- Maya3d ago
okay but there IS a difference and nobody wants to say it: weight is significantly more changeable than height. that matters when we're talking about preferences vs. cruelty.
- Avery2d ago
The 'weight is changeable' argument is doing a LOT of heavy lifting (pun intended) for people who just want their preference not to be called out.
- Liam L.2d ago
ok but can we talk about how men who are 5'8" routinely list themselves as 5'11" on apps and nobody bats an eye but if someone lists their weight wrong it becomes a moral catastrophe and a 'catfishing' situation. the double standard runs in multiple directions here
- Theo2d ago
Because one shows up in photos and one doesn't until you meet. That's why the reactions are different. Not that complicated.
- Ravi1d ago
genuine question: if height is just genetics and therefore off-limits to judge, is facial symmetry also off-limits? jaw structure? eye spacing? at what point does 'you can't judge physical traits they were born with' just become 'no physical preferences allowed at all'? because that's not a preference system, that's guilt
- Drew T.2d ago
I've literally never cared about either. Married a man who's the same height as me and slightly heavier than society deems ideal and he is the greatest human I have ever known. Can't imagine filtering him out on a spreadsheet.
- Noah2d ago
Nobody called anyone evil. Why do people keep inserting 'evil' into a conversation about consistency and self-awareness? You can have preferences AND examine where they come from. Both things.
- Leo2d ago
Both topics make people deeply uncomfortable when turned around on themselves and THAT is your answer. If someone mocked your height as a dealbreaker you'd feel it was cruel. Why is your weight preference different?
- Kofi T.2d ago
Height actually DOES have health correlations — cardiovascular risk, certain diseases. If you're going the health argument route, maybe google before typing.
- Jordan M.3d ago
We rightly call out fat-shaming and then let people put '6ft minimum' in a bio without a blink. Both are judging a body the person didn't choose. Pick a standard.
- Jamie2d ago
I teach sociology and the research on this is pretty unambiguous: both height and weight affect hiring, wages, romantic prospects, and social treatment in demonstrably similar ways. Calling one a 'preference' and the other 'discrimination' is just cultural convenience.
- Sam2d ago
okay professor but people are allowed to have preferences in romantic partners that they couldn't apply in a hiring context. those aren't the same situation
- Jamie T.2d ago
Nobody said they couldn't have them. The question is about CONSISTENCY in how we JUDGE those preferences. Stop strawmanning.
- Theo2d ago
What I find genuinely interesting is how this debate almost always gets framed around heterosexual dating. Gay men are famously brutal about height AND weight in their dating preferences, and we barely talk about that. Why does it only become a cultural conversation in straight contexts?
- Jamie1d ago
because the gendered power dynamic is what makes it culturally significant in straight contexts. gay dating has its own brutal hierarchies but they're structured differently. not the same conversation even if the surface behavior looks identical.
- Drew3d ago
I'm a 6'4 guy and I've been fetishized for my height my whole life. It's objectifying in its own way. Everyone acts like tall men have it made but being reduced to a measurement gets old real fast.
- Maya2d ago
Okay but can we talk about HOW the judgment is expressed? Weight gets openly mocked — jokes, names, open contempt. Height stuff is more of a silent filter. The cruelty differs even if the shallowness is similar.
- Kofi2d ago
Have you been on Twitter in the last five years? Short men are absolutely openly mocked, it's just considered acceptable humor. 'Short king' is condescending. 'Napoleon complex' is a diagnosis handed out freely. The cruelty isn't silent.
- Riley2d ago
I mean both ARE shallow but shallow isn't automatically bad? Dating is partly physical. You're allowed to want physical attraction. People really need to stop treating 'shallow' like it's the same as 'evil.'
- Jamie2d ago
The question wasn't whether they're bad, it was whether they're EQUALLY shallow. And yes. They are. The social treatment of them is just wildly inconsistent.
- Nina2d ago
I'll be the unpopular opinion: neither is shallow. Physical attraction is the foundation of romantic as opposed to platonic love. Without it, you just have a very good friendship. People who pretend this isn't true are usually either lying or in denial.
- Morgan2d ago
Physical attraction isn't the same thing as a rigid checklist of measurements. You can be physically attracted to people across a wide spectrum if you actually let yourself. 'I need a specific number on a tape measure' isn't attraction, it's a filter.
- Drew1d ago
They're not the same and here's why: weight exists on a spectrum of controllability. Some is genetic, some is behavioral, some is medical. Height is 100% outside your control after about age 18. Judging something with ZERO controllability is categorically more shallow. I'll die on this hill.
- Morgan1d ago
This controllability argument is so tired. You think people with eating disorders, thyroid conditions, PCOS, or medication-induced weight gain chose that? The 'weight is controllable therefore fair to judge' line is just permission to be cruel with extra steps.
- Elena _x3d ago
Attraction isn't a moral committee. You like what you like and pretending preferences are a justice issue is exhausting. Nobody owes anyone a date.
- Omar3d ago
My sister is 4'11 and men constantly make jokes at her expense on dates — 'aw so tiny, like a little doll' etc. Height discrimination goes every direction and nobody talks about it because we've decided only short men are the victims here.
- Iris2d ago
You know what IS different? Weight can be a health signal that matters for someone considering a long-term partner and family. Height carries essentially zero health information. So if someone is filtering on health grounds, they're using completely different proxies. Not saying that makes weight-judgment kind, but it's not identical.
- Kofi1d ago
Using 'health' as a justification for weight preference is one of the oldest cover stories in the book. Be honest: people aren't filtering for BMI because they're worried about long-term actuarial tables. They filter because of how it looks. Call it what it is.
- Sam L.1d ago
I'm genuinely asking everyone in this thread: have you ever changed your mind about one of your own preferences after reflecting on where it came from? Not whether you acted on it differently, but whether the preference itself shifted. I'm curious how much self-examination actually moves the needle vs. just producing guilt.
- Feli1d ago
Yes actually. I used to have a strong preference against dating people without degrees. Examined where it came from (parental anxiety about class mobility, not actual compatibility evidence), deliberately went against it a few times, and my taste genuinely changed. Preferences are not immutable. They're learned, and they can be unlearned.
- Priya2d ago
This whole debate treats attraction like it's a spreadsheet you can audit for bias. Real attraction doesn't work that way. I didn't choose to feel chemistry with who I feel it with. Neither did you.
- Quinn R.2d ago
Nobody is saying you have to date anyone. The question is whether it's shallow. You can be shallow and still be a functional person who dates and lives a full life. Shallow is not a death sentence. Just be honest about what it is.
- Yuki M.1d ago
The framing of 'shallow' is doing a lot of work here that nobody's examining. Shallow compared to what? Judging someone's character? Shared values? Ambitions? EVERY physical attraction metric is 'shallow' by that standard. The question is whether some shallow things are socially acceptable to voice and some aren't, and if so, why.
- Jordan1d ago
Legitimately the most philosophically coherent point in this entire thread and it has under 50 likes. The internet is not just.
- Ravi2d ago
Shallow by definition means lacking depth. Both these judgments are made without depth. So yes. Same category. Fight me.
- Morgan2d ago
Confidently yes to both being shallow, and I mean that neutrally. 'Shallow' just means you're making a first-cut judgment based on surface data. Every single human on earth does this. The moral panic around calling it shallow is the weird part.
- Noah1d ago
My therapist once said something I've never forgotten: the things we're most defensive about in others are usually mirrors. I've seen more rage in this comment section defending height preferences than I've ever seen anywhere defending any other preference. Make of that what you will.
- Maya 921d ago
Or people are just tired of being psychoanalyzed for having preferences. Not every strong opinion is repressed shame. Sometimes people just disagree with you.
- Priya T.3d ago
Not the same at all. Height has nothing to do with health. Weight can signal lifestyle choices, physical fitness, shared values around wellness. You can prefer someone who's active without being a monster.
- Marco S.3d ago
5'5 and I've watched women's faces drop the second I stand up, after great conversations. 'Just a preference' feels different when you're the one being filtered out for existing.
- Drew S.1d ago
The weight debate makes sense as a social issue because fat-shaming is pervasive and documented to cause real mental health harm at a population level. The height thing is real too but we don't have the same body of research, the same cultural infrastructure of mockery, or the same clinical harm data. Equivalence is an overclaim.
- Iris1d ago
The fact that one form of body-shaming has been better studied doesn't mean the other causes less harm to the individual experiencing it. Try telling a 5'3" man that his pain is less valid because the research base is thinner.
- Noah2d ago
The hypocrisy is the whole point. We've decided one body-judgment is cruel and the other is 'just preferences,' and the only difference is which one we're personally guilty of.
- Liam M.1d ago
nobody actually mocks tall people or underweight people so can we stop pretending this is perfectly symmetrical in all directions. there are dominant and non-dominant positions in every social dynamic
- Leo1d ago
Extremely thin people get mocked constantly. 'Eat a sandwich' is basically cultural wallpaper. The idea that only one direction of body commentary is socially acceptable is just... not borne out by reality.
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