Parenting & Family1w ago · 103 comments
Should grandparents be paid to babysit their own grandkids?
Free childcare or unpaid labor? Some grandparents now send an invoice. Loving help, or a job that deserves a wage?
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Add your comment- Avery1w ago
The real question nobody's asking: why are we all so dependent on family members to subsidize childcare that the government refuses to fund properly? This is a policy failure dressed up as a family disagreement.
- Maya B.5d ago
I'm a grandmother. I watch my granddaughter every Tuesday and Thursday. Not once has it crossed my mind to ask for money. You know what I get paid in? Her running to the door screaming GRANDMA when I arrive. You cannot invoice that.
- Morgan5d ago
okay but "you can't invoice love" is exactly the kind of thing people say to keep women working for free. I love my job too sometimes. I still need a paycheck.
- Quinn1w ago
My grandmother kept a handwritten ledger of every meal, every pickup, every sleepover she provided. We thought it was eccentric. When she passed we found it. Thirty years of love, itemized. We keep it framed on the wall. Paying her never crossed anyone's mind and I still don't know how to feel about that.
- Marco M.3d ago
I am a grandmother. I watch my two granddaughters three mornings a week. I have never once wanted payment. What I have wanted, and never received, is a thank you that sounds like it was meant. That's the currency I'm actually starving for.
- Sam2d ago
The thank you comment is making me want to cry because my own parents watch my kids every Thursday and I cannot remember the last time I said it like I meant it. Putting the phone down right now to call them.
- Jordan2d ago
Gratitude doesn't pay their phone bill though. Some of y'all are too comfortable with emotional compensation.
- Alex B.1w ago
Three full days a week of childcare is a JOB, blood relation or not. 'But it's family' is how families exploit the women in them for free.
- Quinn4d ago
I was a grandparent doing this. I loved those years. I also had a silent heart issue that went undiagnosed because I never had time to go to my own doctor appointments. Please pay attention to your parents' health if they're doing a lot for you. Please.
- Maya3d ago
We paid my mother-in-law for two years. She quietly saved every single dollar and gave it back to the kids in a college fund. Never told us until Christmas when the kids were ten. I cried for an hour.
- Theo B.3d ago
I mean yes that's sweet but it also illustrates that she didn't actually NEED the money so the parents could've just... kept it? Still feel like the gesture mattered though.
- Alex K.3d ago
The gesture WAS the point. It communicated: we see what you're doing as real work with real value. You can't separate that from the dollars. The meaning is in the offer.
- Maya6d ago
The people most loudly saying 'it's family, family helps for free' are always the ones RECEIVING the help. Funny how that works.
- Zara1w ago
Depends entirely on the grandparent's financial situation. A retired grandma living on Social Security and watching 3 kids full-time is a very different situation from a comfortable retiree popping in on Tuesday afternoons.
- Morgan2d ago
I'm a childcare worker with fifteen years experience. You want to know the real reason some grandparents send invoices? Because they've watched their adult kids treat paid nannies with more respect, more scheduling courtesy, and more communication than they ever received. Sometimes the invoice is actually about dignity.
- Ravi3d ago
I'll say it plainly: I think the resistance to paying grandparents is often less about love and more about not wanting to examine how much you're actually asking someone to give up. Payment makes it visible. Some people prefer it invisible.
- Omar3d ago
The fact that we're debating whether to pay grandparents tells you everything about how broken childcare infrastructure is in this country. The grandparents aren't the problem. The $2,500 a month daycare bill is the problem.
- Hana6d ago
something I've never seen mentioned: what about the grandparent who genuinely CAN'T say no because of cultural or family pressure but is exhausted and quietly drowning? Pay them or don't, but please check on them.
- Omar5d ago
Not all grandparents are financially comfortable!! Some of them are on fixed incomes and would genuinely benefit from $50 a day. And their kids just assume they'll do it for free because "family." There's a class dimension here nobody wants to talk about.
- Leo L.5d ago
This. My mother-in-law is retired on a modest pension. We pay her. We feel good about it, she feels respected, and frankly she spends it on fun things with the kids anyway. Win win win.
- Diego L.2d ago
my dad passed away before he got to meet my kids. reading this whole thread and everyone arguing about money while they still have parents who are HERE and ABLE... man. just treasure it. all of it.
- Zara T.6d ago
I feel like parents who get free childcare from grandparents and then complain about how grandma does things have lost the moral authority to complain. You want free service AND total control? Pick one.
- Kofi6d ago
Disagree. Even if you're paying someone you're entitled to reasonable expectations about how your child is cared for. And if it's your parent, you can have a direct conversation. 'Free means no input' is just another way of shutting the parent out.
- Kofi3d ago
My grandmother told me once, very quietly, that the years she spent watching my cousins were some of the loneliest of her life. She wasn't doing it out of love for the kids. She was doing it because nobody said she could say no. That's been sitting in my chest for fifteen years.
- Maya1w ago
The whole conversation shifts the moment you ask: would you hire a stranger to do this same job without paying them? No. So why is grandma different?
- Iris5d ago
Unpaid labor is unpaid labor. Full stop. Grandma wearing an apron instead of a uniform doesn't change what the work IS.
- Zara R.3d ago
My in-laws watch our daughter twice a week and I INSISTED on paying them. They refused. So now I quietly top up their grocery delivery, cover their streaming subscriptions, fill their car with gas when I visit. There are ways to honor someone's labor without handing over cash they'll feel weird taking.
- Taylor 926d ago
My parents watched our kids for free for five years. When they got older and needed help themselves, my siblings who hadn't contributed to childcare expected us all to split elder care costs equally. I'm still angry about it.
- Omar5d ago
This is the thing people never account for. Informal family labor doesn't just disappear — it shifts directions, and whoever gave most often gives most in both directions while everyone else calculates fairness from the sidelines.
- Theo R.4d ago
The gendered element here is stark. We never talk about grandpas babysitting. It's always grandmas. The free labor is always extracted from women and wrapped in the language of their "natural" love for children.
- Taylor4d ago
Actually my father-in-law is the one who does all the childcare in our family. He retired early and genuinely loves it. Not everything is a gender war.
- Kofi4d ago
One data point doesn't disprove a structural pattern. Good for your father in law genuinely.
- Drew 211w ago
My mom watched our kids for years 'as a gift.' When things turned sour between us she weaponized every single unpaid hour she'd ever put in. I will never again accept financial favors from family. Lesson learned the hard way.
- Zara1w ago
This post ^ right here is why payment is actually protective of the relationship. When someone is compensated, they can't later hold it over you. The transaction protects the love.
- Hana5d ago
I think people confuse the question. The question isn't "should grandparents WANT money" it's "should parents OFFER it." The answer to the second one is yes, always, and then let grandma decide.
- Alex4d ago
THIS. Offer it. Put the option on the table. Let them say no. That's just basic human dignity.
- Priya M.3d ago
People acting like offering to pay your parents is somehow disrespectful or transactional... those same people would never ask a friend to work 30 hours a week for nothing. Your parents are people. Treat them like it.
- Morgan1d ago
I asked my parents for help with childcare. They agreed. Three months later my mother mentioned, almost as a throwaway, that she'd had to cancel her book club, her Tuesday lunch group, and her pottery class. She never told me. She just... gave them up. I still feel sick about it.
- Kofi6d ago
The sentiment that offering payment is an insult is so deeply ingrained and I think it's done enormous damage to grandparent-parent relationships. It creates this forced pretense that nobody ever gets tired, nobody ever wants to be somewhere else, nobody ever sacrifices anything. That's not love. That's a script.
- Reese1w ago
I'm a grandmother. I watch my granddaughter three days a week. My daughter offered to pay me and I said no — but I also want to be ASKED, not assumed. The asking is what matters.
- Marco5d ago
There's a huge difference between a grandparent who WANTS to spend time with grandkids and one who's basically functioning as a full-time nanny because daycare is $2,400 a month. The first is a gift. The second is a labor arrangement regardless of what you call it.
- Liam K.2d ago
This debate would look completely different if we had affordable public childcare. The fact that families are forced into this conversation at all is the real scandal. Grandparents are filling a gap the government created.
- Sam6d ago
There's a version of this I haven't seen in the thread: grandparents who WANT to be paid not out of financial need but as a signal of respect. 'Offer me something, even a token, so I know you see this as real work.'
- Drew6d ago
Yes! My dad turned down every dollar I offered but he needed me to offer. It was about acknowledgment, not money.
- Reese3d ago
My grandma watched me as a kid and I think about her constantly. She shaped who I am more than almost anyone. She never got a cent. I don't know how I feel about that — grateful and guilty at the same time, somehow.
- Yuki L.6d ago
I asked my mother if she wanted to be paid. She laughed and said 'I'm not a babysitter, I'm their grandmother.' Two years later she told me she was burnt out and needed a break. These things are not unrelated.
- Taylor5d ago
My dad actually asked to be paid, we said yes, and honestly it was the best decision we ever made. Suddenly there were clear expectations, clear hours, and nobody was silently resentful. Money fixed the thing love couldn't.
- Casey5d ago
counterpoint: the moment you introduce money into a family relationship you fundamentally change what it is. you can never fully go back. is that worth it?
- Hana1w ago
I paid my mother in law to watch our son for two years. Best decision we ever made. Clear expectations, no guilt trips, no passive aggressive comments about 'all I do.' Highly recommend transactional honesty.
- Riley K.2d ago
There's an enormous difference between grandma takes the kids Saturday afternoon because everyone enjoys it, and grandma is the de facto primary childcare arrangement because her kids can't afford daycare. Stop conflating these two situations. One is family togetherness. The other is labor outsourcing.
- Avery T.3d ago
The only question that actually matters: does the grandparent WANT to do this or do they feel obligated? Everything else is downstream from the answer to that. And the tragedy is most families never directly ask.
- Leo T.1w ago
my nana watched me every single day and she and my grandad are still the two people i love most in this world. money would have changed that. some things aren't transactional and thats not a bad thing
- Taylor 215d ago
If your parents need the money — pay them. If they don't but are exhausted — reduce the hours. If they love every minute — let them. There is no universal rule here. Every family is different. The internet cannot solve your specific situation.
- Yuki R.4d ago
Easy to say "every family is different" when you're not the one doing 40 hours a week for free while your siblings post beach photos.
- Priya T.1d ago
lol at this thread being mostly women talking about what their moms gave up. where are all the grandfathers in this conversation. oh right.
- Riley3d ago
The framing of this entire conversation assumes grandparents are passive recipients of whatever arrangement the parents decide. Some grandparents WANT this. Desperately. They would pay YOU for the access. We're not all martyrs.
- Nina5d ago
The whole framing of this debate annoys me. It's not one or the other. My mother watches the kids twice a week, I pay her utilities, fill her fridge when I pick the kids up, cover her car insurance, and take her on our family vacations. We don't call it payment. It functions as payment. Stop being so literal.
- Hana4d ago
My parents babysat. Never charged. But the unspoken expectation was that we'd be involved in their elder care, help around their house, be present at every family event. The currency was just time and presence instead of dollars. There's always a ledger. Always.
- Diego1d ago
The question should be reframed entirely. Not 'should grandparents be paid' but 'have you actually built a life together where giving and receiving flows naturally over time?' In cultures where multigenerational living is normal this entire debate is almost nonsensical. The transactionalism is partly a symptom of how isolated nuclear family life has become.
- Riley1w ago
Grandparents who want to be paid should be paid. Grandparents who don't want to be paid shouldn't be pressured. Adults should communicate. Why is this a debate.
- Iris1w ago
because in the real world families don't just 'communicate' cleanly and one person usually ends up silently resentful while the other has no idea anything is wrong, that's why it's a debate
- Leo 212d ago
This. Someone finally said it. The Saturday afternoon grandma and the Monday-to-Friday 7am grandma are not having the same experience and should not be having the same conversation.
- Leo1w ago
I mean... the gendered part is actually well-documented. Look at any study on who provides informal family caregiving. It's overwhelmingly women. Your father-in-law is wonderful and also an exception.
- Leo4d ago
Grandparents who want payment shouldn't be shamed and grandparents who refuse payment shouldn't be exploited. Both can be true. Why is everyone picking a team.
- Morgan2d ago
Counterpoint: the 54-year-old grandmother running half marathons probably has stronger bargaining power to say no than an 80-year-old who depends on family connection for her entire social world. Vulnerability matters when we talk about consent here.
- Diego6d ago
I'm a grandpa who asked to be paid. Not because I need the money — I did fine for myself — but because my time has value and I want my son to understand that. He pays me $200 a week and uses it as a tax deduction. Everyone wins.
- Priya6d ago
In the US, Dependent Care FSA money can be used for payments to relatives as long as they're not your dependent and they claim the income. So yes, basically. Talk to a tax person though, not a debate forum.
- Nina1d ago
This is why the conversation HAS to happen explicitly upfront. Not assumed. Not evolved into. BEFORE. What days. What hours. What your limits are. What mine are. It's not unromantic. It's respect.
- Avery 212d ago
I asked my mother point blank if she wanted compensation. She looked at me like I'd offered to charge her for calling me on my birthday. Different families have different love languages and for some of them, money in this context genuinely IS an insult. That's valid too.
- Elena3d ago
From a legal standpoint some people don't realize: if you pay a grandparent regularly you may need to address employment taxes, it could affect their benefits if they're on certain programs, it might count as income. Check with an accountant before you just start Venmo-ing grandma.
- Omar 923d ago
nobody came here for tax advice but honestly this is the most useful thing in the whole thread
- Yuki L.1w ago
I help with my grandkids and the day they offer me money is the day I feel like staff instead of grandma. Keep your wallet.
- Leo5d ago
"Send an invoice" 😂😂😂 my boomer dad would sooner dissolve into the earth than hand his daughter a formal invoice for watching his grandson. Different generations have completely different emotional architectures around this stuff.
- Ravi2d ago
I have a law degree and I'll tell you exactly what paying a grandparent regularly does in many US states: it can disqualify them from Medicaid if they ever need long-term care, because it looks like asset transfer. This is NOT hypothetical. Please please talk to an elder law attorney before any money changes hands.
- Sam1d ago
Hard agree on the multigenerational point but let's not romanticize that either. Those arrangements also historically trapped women in domestic roles across two or three generations simultaneously. The integration was real. So was the constraint.
- Diego3d ago
Hot take: if your kid is being watched safely, lovingly, and free of charge, maybe don't fix what isn't broken by introducing a payment dynamic that changes everything.
- Quinn _x1w ago
My mother raised me for free and now wants $15 an hour for her grandkid. Something about that math makes my chest tight.
- Ravi1w ago
Strongly disagree with framing this as always being about exploiting women. My father-in-law does the bulk of the childcare in our family and he's never asked for a dime. This is about individual family dynamics, not a gendered conspiracy.
- Ravi1w ago
Nobody seems to be talking about what this does to the grandkid. Kids pick up on financial tension in families. You really want them to grow up knowing grandma was charging mom per hour?
- Diego T.2d ago
Why does everyone in this thread assume grandparents are elderly and frail?? My mother is 54, runs half marathons, and has her own career. She babysits when it suits her. She is not a resource to be managed, she's a person with a full life.
- Jordan B.4d ago
Hot take incoming: parents who literally cannot afford childcare without free grandparent labor probably shouldn't have planned their finances around exploiting a family member who can choose to stop any time. Make a real childcare plan.
- Theo4d ago
Wow. So people who can't afford $3000/month daycare "shouldn't have kids"? That's an absolutely wild position. Generational family support is how humans have raised children for literally all of history.
- Hana2d ago
Fine. But 'she'd be insulted' is sometimes the parent's weapon too. Classic way to make sure you never have to articulate what you actually want.
- Feli1w ago
Everyone defending 'it's family so it's free' has clearly never been the family member quietly doing 30 unpaid hours a week.
- Reese2d ago
I respect the sentiment completely but 'treasure it' doesn't answer the question of whether unpaid labor is exploitation. Grief doesn't resolve a labor ethics question.
- Jordan1w ago
Childcare workers have degrees, certifications, training in child development and first aid. A grandparent who watches TV with the kids is not providing 'professional childcare.' The comparison doesn't hold.
- Kofi L.6d ago
Most grandparents I know make sure homework is done, meals are cooked, doctors appointments don't get missed, and the kids feel safe and adored. Certified professionals often clock out at 5. Let's not dismiss what grandparents actually provide.
- Yuki3d ago
ok but why does everyone assume the grandparent is the one being exploited? my parents literally guilt tripped my wife and i into leaving our son with them every weekend because they wanted to. now they complain its too much. the power dynamics go every direction here
- Reese R.3d ago
Anyone who thinks grandparents should be paid has clearly never experienced the kind of family where helping each other is just... what you do. Not everyone is keeping score.
- Hana3d ago
And anyone who thinks "not keeping score" families are the norm has never watched a grandmother silently sacrifice her retirement years and her health because she didn't know how to say no to her own child.
- Taylor 921w ago
If you need your elderly parents to work part-time so you can afford to have children, maybe reconsider whether this was the right time to have children. There. I said it.
- Leo1w ago
Okay so by that logic only people who can afford full-time professional childcare should reproduce. You've solved overpopulation I guess.
- Noah R.1w ago
hot take but grandparents who WANT to be paid should maybe reconsider whether they actually want to be involved
- Jamie _x1w ago
That comment above me is exactly the attitude that burns grandparents out and then everyone acts shocked when the relationship falls apart.
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