Dating1mo ago · 59 comments
Should you date someone who's deep in debt?
Their money problem, or about-to-be yours? Compassion for a rough patch, or a financial red flag you ignore at your peril?
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Add your comment- Liam3w ago
My husband came into our marriage with significant debt. I knew going in. We made a plan together before the wedding. He paid it off in four years. We just bought our second home. Sometimes you bet on a person and they come through.
- Nina3w ago
Okay but that's survivor bias though. For every story like yours there are ten where the person didn't come through. We only hear the good outcomes because the bad ones are too embarrassing to post.
- Quinn3w ago
survivor bias comment is technically valid but also an incredibly bleak way to respond to someone sharing a good outcome in their marriage. some things ARE just good.
- Jamie M.2w ago
I'm in debt because I left an abusive situation with nothing and had to rebuild from zero. I had to furnish a whole apartment, pay first/last/security, replace everything I walked away from. The debt is literally the price of my safety. I'd appreciate if dates didn't treat me like I'm irresponsible.
- Zara R.1mo ago
My ex had $90k in credit card debt and hid it for two years. Two YEARS. The debt wasn't even the betrayal — the hiding was. By the time I found out we had a joint account. I'm still untangling it. Please, please do basic financial due diligence before you merge anything.
- Noah 211w ago
i married my husband when he had $67,000 in debt. we paid it off together in four years. hes the hardest working person ive ever met and i would have missed out on my entire life if i had walked away. sometimes you just know.
- Omar1w ago
Nobody talks about what it's like to BE the person in debt trying to date. The shame is crushing. You feel like damaged goods. You pre-reject yourself before anyone else can. It's isolating in a way that's hard to explain if you haven't lived it.
- Reese2w ago
The question should be "are they making progress" not "do they have debt." A person with $30k who's actively paying it down is in a completely different situation than someone with $30k who's adding to it every month and sees no urgency.
- Ravi4d ago
I was the person in debt. $28,000. Credit cards and a personal loan from a period of unemployment that lasted longer than my savings did. I disclosed it to the woman I was dating. She stayed. That honesty — and her response to it — is honestly when I knew I loved her. We're married now. The debt is gone. But I will never forget what it felt like to say it out loud to someone and have them not run.
- Reese1mo ago
I have a PhD and $180,000 in student loans. I also have a 780 credit score, a detailed repayment plan, and I've never missed a payment. I am tired of being treated like a financial leper on first dates when this comes up. Context. Matters.
- Feli _x1mo ago
Okay but the PhD comment above — what field? Because a $180k loan for a degree that pays $45k/year IS a different conversation than one that pays $200k. I'm not trying to be mean, I genuinely think the field matters when evaluating whether it was a reasonable risk.
- Theo 923w ago
honestly the most underrated green flag is someone who knows exactly how much they owe and exactly what their plan is. that person has already done the hard emotional work of facing the number. that's who I want to be with.
- Drew1w ago
Hot take that will make people mad: if someone is over 35 and still has no plan for their debt and no savings whatsoever, that IS a character indicator. Not because life can't be hard — it can be brutal — but at some point the choices pile up and you have to be honest about what you're looking at. Age matters in this conversation and nobody wants to say it.
- Hana4w ago
I think we conflate two totally different things: 1) would you date someone in debt and 2) would you legally combine finances with someone in debt before they've addressed it. The answer to both can be different. You can love someone and still protect yourself financially until the situation changes.
- Casey 924w ago
This right here is the most useful comment in this entire thread. This is the nuance everyone is missing while they're busy being absolutists.
- Liam M.2w ago
I work in financial therapy (yes it's a real profession) and the single biggest predictor of financial conflict in couples isn't the amount of debt — it's whether both people have compatible emotional relationships with money. Someone who grew up in scarcity and hoards vs. someone who spends to soothe anxiety will struggle even if they're both debt-free.
- Omar2w ago
Yes and it's fascinating. Money is almost always about something else — fear, control, love, self-worth. The debt is just the symptom showing up in the bank statement.
- Yuki1mo ago
this whole conversation treats debt like a moral failing and honestly? that's very American of y'all
- Liam K.1w ago
The debt itself? Fine. The person who hid the debt from me for eight months while we talked about moving in together? That's who I can't date. It's not the number. It's the secret.
- Kofi1mo ago
I grew up watching my mom work three jobs to pay off debt my dad accumulated before they met. She loved him. She also aged 20 years in 10. Love is necessary but it is not sufficient. Full stop.
- Feli T.3d ago
The real red flag nobody is mentioning: someone who thinks their debt is your problem to solve. Not your problem to be patient about, not your problem to accommodate — but someone who genuinely expects you to bail them out or subsizide their lifestyle while they coast. THAT person exists and conflating them with someone who has medical debt or student loans is unfair to everyone.
- Kofi3d ago
subsidize* sorry typing fast because this topic makes me emotional. I was the person who was expected to cover everything for two years while my ex "got back on his feet." His feet never found the floor. Learn from me.
- Avery 213w ago
Medical debt in the US is a completely different category and if you're dumping someone over it you should examine what kind of person you are. They literally got sick. What was the alternative.
- Maya2w ago
Hot take: if your entire personality is your credit score, you are deeply boring and I don't want to date YOU either.
- Noah2w ago
dated a guy with a perfect credit score and zero savings. the score was just proof he paid his minimums on time. means nothing in isolation.
- Casey2w ago
The people saying "never date someone in debt" have clearly never had a financial emergency, lost a job, had a medical crisis, or gone through a divorce. You are one bad year away from being the person you're judging. Remember that.
- Noah 212w ago
I don't disagree that circumstances matter but "you could end up in their situation" isn't actually an argument for why you should date them. It's more of a humility check, which is valid, but it doesn't change the practical math of merging finances with someone in a difficult position.
- Jordan K.3w ago
The thing that doesn't get said enough: debt changes your DAILY LIFE. It's not abstract. It's not going on vacation. It's watching what you spend on groceries. It's not being able to help your parents when they need it. It's stress that leaks into everything. Before you date into it, really sit with that.
- Feli1mo ago
Yes date them. Yes fall in love. No don't combine finances until you've watched them make and keep a budget for at least a year. That's not cold, that's called not being an idiot.
- Quinn6d ago
Nobody is owed a financially perfect partner. This bizarre expectation that a romantic prospect has to arrive debt-free, emotionally healed, career-established AND attractive AND funny AND kind is why so many people are alone and furious about it.
- Zara R.6d ago
Setting a financial standard for a partner isn't "bizarre," it's called knowing what you need. Some of us watched our parents fight about money every single night. I have a right to protect my peace.
- Kofi3w ago
The problem is that saying "I won't date someone in debt" out loud sounds shallow and materialistic so nobody admits it's actually a very reasonable position and instead people get pressured into ignoring major financial incompatibility because they're afraid of seeming judgmental.
- Maya _x3w ago
this is the take I needed someone to say. thank you. it's okay to have financial dealbreakers. you're not a bad person.
- Taylor2d ago
What gets me is how gendered this conversation becomes when you look at actual practice. Men with debt are more likely to find partners who help them through it. Women with debt are more likely to get quietly dropped. Data backs this up. We can moralize all we want about what people "should" do but the lived reality is pretty unequal.
- Leo2w ago
Can we talk about the fact that some people are attracted to "fixing" a partner and debt gives them a project? It seems caring but it usually ends with the fixer resentful and the fixee feeling controlled. Seen it so many times.
- Leo1mo ago
The real question nobody's asking: what's YOUR financial situation? If you're also carrying debt, who exactly are you to be screening someone else? I see a lot of people in this comment section who live in glass houses.
- Feli M.1mo ago
Hard agree with the glass houses comment. I know someone who refuses to date anyone with debt but she's underwater on a car she can't afford and has no savings. The audacity.
- Leo1w ago
Okay but can we talk about the power imbalance this creates in a relationship? When one partner is debt-free and one is drowning, the debt-free partner starts making ALL the financial decisions. Where you live. What vacations are possible. Whether you can afford a kid. You love them but you're also quietly resenting them and they know it. That dynamic will quietly eat your relationship alive.
- Avery _x1w ago
counterpoint to the power imbalance thing — being the financially stable one isn't automatically a position of resentment. my partner had debt when we met. i had more savings. we made it work by being genuinely transparent. you can build systems. resentment is a communication failure not a math problem
- Alex1mo ago
There's $40k in student loans from becoming a nurse, and there's $40k from never saying no to themselves. Same number, completely different person. Ask which one.
- Zara3w ago
I feel like half the people commenting have never actually been poor. Real poverty doesn't care about your dealbreakers list. Life happens. Illness, layoffs, bad timing, predatory loans targeting 18-year-olds who don't know better. Some grace please.
- Theo3w ago
Showing grace doesn't mean volunteering to absorb someone else's financial consequences into your own life. Those are two separate things.
- Maya1d ago
I don't think asking "should I date someone in debt" is even the right question. The right question is: do I understand my own relationship with money well enough to know what I can handle? Because some people could date someone with six figures of debt and be totally fine and some people would collapse under $5,000. Self-knowledge first. Judge the other person second.
- Maya1w ago
I'm a financial therapist (yes that's a real thing). What I see over and over is that people conflate someone's net worth with their worth as a human being. These are not the same. What DOES predict relationship success around money is whether both people have compatible money VALUES — how they think about spending, saving, risk, generosity. I've seen debt-free couples implode and heavily indebted couples thrive. Values. Not numbers.
- Nina1w ago
Values not numbers sounds nice until you're the one whose credit score drops because your spouse missed a payment you didn't know about. At some point the numbers are real.
- Nina _x1mo ago
lol at people acting like they'd definitely leave someone they love over debt. you haven't been in real love yet bestie
- Nina R.1mo ago
I find it genuinely romantic that someone would build a life with you from the ground floor. Not everyone starts at zero — some people start in the negative and still show up every day trying. That's character.
- Quinn5d ago
Three relationships. Two of them involved debt I didn't know the full scope of until we were serious. I'm not saying don't date people with debt. I'm saying have the actual conversation early. Not as an interrogation, just as part of genuinely knowing someone. If they shut down or get defensive when money comes up as a topic, that's more information than the number itself.
- Taylor5d ago
the audacity of asking someone's debt situation on like the third date tho. imagine. "so what are you into? what kind of music do you like? how much do you owe creditors?" lmaooo
- Elena5d ago
You laugh but I genuinely think before you move in with someone you should both sit down and put your full financial picture on the table. Credit score, debts, savings, what you earn. Not date three obviously, but before you combine your lives? Absolutely. The fact that this feels weird or "unromantic" is how people end up blindsided.
- Omar L.3d ago
This thread is full of people who've clearly been through real things and I respect that. But I want to offer a different framing: you are allowed to have dealbreakers without having to justify them to strangers on the internet. Some people know from hard experience they cannot handle merging finances with debt. That's valid. You're not a bad person for having that boundary.
- Liam1mo ago
Married into debt I didn't make and spent five years paying for choices I wasn't there for. Love didn't cover the minimum payment.
- Ravi1mo ago
You don't marry a person, you marry a balance sheet you're now jointly liable for. Romance doesn't refinance debt.
- Kofi1mo ago
Everyone judging until they remember most people are one medical bill from the same hole. The debt isn't the red flag, the attitude toward it is.
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